For the attention of /dev/null
You know, I'd not realised quite how badly Windows98 sucks until the hard drive containing my Linux partitions failed, and I find myself forced to use it for something more challenging that a launcher for Starcraft, Eudora, Netscape or mIRC. Having quickly got tired of clicking on pictures to try and copy files (hell, what did I learn to write for?), I dropped into a DOS shell. No respite on the command line! Aside from the total lack of features that Microsoft provide in the shell, they can't even apply the correct keyboard mapping! I don't care if this is the french version of '98, if I tell the system it's using an english keyboard I expect it to accept it! All in all this OS is about as powerful and responsive as one of those whiney little electric buggies kids get these days. Very pretty no doubt, but useless if you want to acheive anything at any speed. Give me the Linux MTB any day, that goes where I want it under my full control. If you reckon it's uncomfortable some part of your anatomy must have gone soft.
Bottom line : Windows is for those who don't know any better. But thank Bram that I can run vim on it.
Having got that out of my system...
Anyhow, the reason I chose to attempt something as challenging as editing a text file under '98 was that I needed to straighten some thoughts. Yes, I know the tradiotional method is to use a sheet of paper and a pen, but a) my handwriting sucks and b) that's kind of hard to rework. Besides which I just might sling this on my site at some point.
So where was I? Changing, always changing. About the only sure thing about me is that my mind will always be spinning, trying to make some sense of this world (which often seems a futile hope). Besides my addictions to data and to IRC I have one to thought; even when having sex I can't stop thinking, trying to work how best to please my partner. I've no idea whether this makes me a better lover but it does mean I have to be restrained to relax.
So why the hell am I thinking so much? Well I seem to be making another attempt at adolescence, except that I have a slightly more experienced mind to work things through. I didn't make much of a job of it first time through; admittedly my physical development was pretty late but my social development just fell through. I'm finally coming out of that cocoon, kicking my shyness until it gives up and leaves me to operate more effectively. Even now I'm not free of it; I can't believed how repressed society makes us - and even more so how we accept it. Perhaps it's something of a blessing that I've lived alone for most of the last year; alone with my thoughts they've had a chance to develop and give me some clues as to who I am. I'm still a freak, an outsider. But there's a lot of us that are, however much the Mainstream prefers to ignore the facts. I'm iNTp, an adaptive thinker. I'm a techy, one of those strange arcane few that actually bother to learn how all these strange beige boxes work. I am, in mindset at least, a geek, and there are many like me. And in the true nature of things I only confirmed this by following a stray link. Illiad, I owe you. There's a Guinness on me. (plus one for the limericks, probably };)
No doubt it sounds very profound to say that life comes through stray links, as if something was out there handing them to us. But I don't go with that; the other key link that helped me get a grip on my thoughts was one that I found on a deliberate search; Paul Harrison's site, which can be found in my belief pages. While I feel no need to "belong" to a huge group, it's supporting to know that there are people out there who think the way I do.
So how do I think then? Independently, I guess. Since I broke out of society's conditioning cocoon, I've developed my own views on religion, sexuality, drugs, porn, laws, life, death, and who I am. I have become, at once, far more independently-minded and more needful of company. Thankfully I've found a cluster of comparatively like minds online, but I'm still single, and none too fond of it. I've been told quite a few times that I'm physically attractive (oops, probably broke a taboo by admitting that, that's a shame) and I've come to accept this, also that I'm reliable and easy to get on with. Now if having that minimal level of confidence offends anyone that's unfortunate, because it's not something I'm likely to feel sorry for. I'll accept pretty much anyone for who they are, but expect the same in return. The surface may be chaotic, but that's the core I'm based on.
So you want to know? Or maybe I want to know, I'm the one reading and writing this thing. You want to know my beliefs? That's the easy one. Well, it's easy for me, since I've already written 8 pages on the subject. Go grab the link. Sexuality? Well, I'm basically straight, but not fanatical about it. I don't imagine I'm likely to have sex with another man in the near future but I'm not about to run and hide if I get touched, if it's not threatening. Basically I can't see a reason against this that doesn't rely on blind dogma. Anyhow I'm far more inclined to flirt with girls, so long as I can be moderately sure I'm not upsetting anyone. Drugs? Don't need'em (well ok, alcohol's an exception to that). You want to take them, fine, just watch out for the damage, and consider what use your money's going to. Porn? So long as no-one's getting exploited (yes I know that happens in some cases, I try to avoid those sources), I see no problem with it. It's kind of hard to classify the type that interests me, but if you're going to ask "and if it was you being photographed?", give up. I have no problem with that sort of picture being taken but I'm not likely, at this point, to make them publically available.
Uck I hate writing to lists. Where was I? Laws. My bottom line on this is "never confuse law and justice". I support the latter, and where the former coincides with this, so much the better. I prefer not to brake the law even if I can't see the point in it, since it weakens the laws I do support. But it should be remembered that laws are there for the people, not for the government. We do not require laws to protect us from ourselves, but from each other. And through this our rights and dignity must be maintained. I will fight or ignore any law I feel to be truly unjust. Would that I could say unconstitutional, but the UK lacks such a document.
That then leaves life, death, and who I am. The first two come, to an extent, under "beliefs". The latter is what I've just been talking about. More later, probably, but that'll do for now.